I looked at my own cervix.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
