Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
