If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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