I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
