Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Randomize
