Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
