apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
