Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
