Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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