you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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