I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
