Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize