You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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