Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
We need a shit load of segways right now
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
