I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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