Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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