Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Randomize
