someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
