I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize