your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my phone needs a breathalizer
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
