I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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