I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Randomize
