so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I have feelings that need drinking.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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