You don't have asthma, your pregnant
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
