Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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