Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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