The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
