I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
