My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
