The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
