He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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