I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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