Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
