He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize