My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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