I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i barfeds in our rink
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
