i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
