omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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