Where did you get a picture of my penis
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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