Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize