Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
