i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
