Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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