are you still at the devil's house?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
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