yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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