grandma shit on top of the toilet
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
