Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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