I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
