I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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