Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
