I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
