I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Randomize
