Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
i need some magic done to my vagina
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
