His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
