i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
