Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize