Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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