I think I won the penis lottery.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize