So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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