I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
