I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize