Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
