Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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