I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
