we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
