I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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