no, he came in my armpit
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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